I Remember A Time When Once You Used To Love Me
by Acepilot6
Summary: An All Grown Up fanfiction in poetry. Now Complete. Phil learns the hard way that there is no halfway in a relationship. Please read and review, this fic is...experimental.
1. Sea Above, Sky Below

**I Remember a time when Once You Used To Love Me **

Acepilot

AN – I am completely and utterly prepared to be flamed for this, in fact, I'm expecting it. But this isn't exactly meant for mass-market appeal. What this is, is a fanfiction – in verse.

I've been getting…well, bored, I guess, is the right word, and I want to branch out from my regular work. And I've been studying poetry at the moment, so…this is a Phil/Kimi piece, but in verse, instead of a narrative. As a result, it's a bit harder to read and a lot shorter than my regular stuff. But I hope someone out there – anyone out there – gets something out of it. And remember, Phil's poetry skills have nothing to do with this fic. They're presumably not that good, but that's not the point. This is just a different way of telling the story.

There's some very heavy influence from the work of The Dirty Three, who are an instrumental group. The fic is named after one of their songs, and assorted references are spattered throughout – most obviously, the first chapter, which is named after one of their best songs/albums.

I could not get fanfiction dot net to acknowledge indents, which kind of takes out some of the impact of bits of this poetry. Sorry.

Disclaimer – the characters in this fic are property of KlaskyCsupo.

**1. Sea Above, Sky Below **

**1.1 ****– Night **

I'm lying in bed with her,  
Imagining I'm lying in bed with her

I'm feeling her lips against mine  
And I'm wondering what it must feel like  
To have her in my arms  
And in my heart

Because no matter how many times we play this game  
And we do, make no mistake  
This game with its beauties and beasts  
And all the little things in between

I never know  
Because she's never there  
Not really  
In the still of the blackest night  
No matter how long ago she left  
My bed is always cold in the morning

**1.2 ****– Dirty Little Secret **

Our eyes meet across a crowded room  
They never linger long

She makes sure that I catch her gaze  
But she never holds it

How did this all go from being so innocent  
Until we were each other's dirty little secret?

So filthy and unwanted  
That we never say anything anymore

We just know – a time  
A place  
Each other

**1.3 ****– School-life and the perils it brings **

I shrug into the day,  
A six-hour long day with all the fun that implies  
I don't know how the others do it  
Tommy is a kid with a head on his shoulders and even he struggles with the whole thing.  
How are us mere mortals meant to compare?  
I slump into the afternoon,  
Wondering when this torture will be over.  
But then I think of all that awaits me  
And I think –  
What's torture compared to that?

**1.4 ****– Escapism **

Have you ever stopped and listened to the music?  
No, not like that.  
Like this.

When each note is living its own individual life  
Its own individual existence  
It goes on forever  
And ever  
And ever…

When each chord is screaming for recognition  
It's not a rhythm  
It's a heartbeat  
Her heartbeat  
I look at her in wonder

I have homework to do  
But I'd rather  
Be listening to the music  
And thinking of  
My dreams

**1.5 ****– She – Arrival **

She sneaks into the house in the middle of the night  
She sneaks into the house quietly,  
Ever so quietly  
Like a mouse  
Because she is like a mouse  
All small and fragile  
But don't turn your back on her. No, don't.

You'll never know what hit you.

**1.6 ****– She **

She's wearing her hair up tonight – as always  
And as she creeps inside and I turn down the music

I watch her in the moonlight  
She's never serious

"What's it like, do you think?"

She's small and perfect  
Like some kind of dream from the middle ages  
An impossible beauty

"Why has everyone else done it before us?"

A shirt  
She's never been one to be shy  
A skirt  
She's never been one to shy away  
Not from me  
Why me?

"Do you…?"

No, I don't

Not now

Not anymore

She all but glistens in the moonlight  
And I have to wonder what I did…

What happened?

**1.7 ****– Sea Above, Sky Below **

My world is a twisted array of colours and

The moon is spinning on the floor  
While the tide races through my ears like some roaring

Element

She's a force of nature  
That's what she is  
Am I?  
What do I do to her?

Do I drive her to delusion?

Do I make her see the sea above,  
The sky below?

I step with her into the world that only she takes me too

The sea above  
I'm in too deep  
I'm drowning in a sea of black hair

While the sky glistens like her eyes  
Her eyes below

"You're amazing," she whispers  
Against my throat

I groan  
It's not by will

"I…"

I love you

But that's against the rules, isn't it?

**1.8 ****– A Deal, Regrets Included **

It seemed so easy  
But then, it always does

To begin with

But now all I see  
Is that I've gone to a place you haven't

Or can't

Or won't.

Would I trade it?  
Would I take it back?

"Do you want…?"

No.

But yes…

A raw deal? Maybe.  
But I wouldn't trade it for

the world…

**1.9 ****– She – Departure **

She sneaks out of my house in the middle of the night  
Quietly.  
Always quietly.  
As if she's ashamed  
As if she's saying

"I was never there."

Maybe, she wasn't.

**1.10 ****– Did You See Her? **

I run a hand through my hair

"Late night?"

Lil grins knowingly.

What does she know?

"A bit,"

I confess.

You never confess in a hurry  
You always –  
Always  
- confess slowly

**1.11 ****– Anonymous Friend **

No matter how much

Fun

You have the night before  
It never lasts to the break of dawn

When I see her at school  
She's just another faceless, anonymous friend

"Hey," I plead

"Hey," she tortures me.

It's what I always wanted  
And I got it just in time to know that  
I don't want it anymore

But once you start…

---

I'm hoping to have the next chapter done sometime later in the week. I'm enjoying writing this, but the downside is I'm starting to think in poems. Please review – I've never tried this before, and I'm eager for opinions.


	2. Innocent Play

**I Remember A Time When Once You Used To Love Me**  
Acepilot 

AN - This is the first time I've written on a Macintosh since 1996. Though I have always loved the keyboards, and think they're very comfortable to write on, the damn things haven't gotten any faster or easier to use over the last 9 years, no matter how funky the new ones look. Grr.

Thanks to those who let me know what they thought of the first chapter. This is proving to be an interesting experiment.

Disclaimer – the characters in this fic are property of KlaskyCsupo.

---

**2. Innocent Play**

**2.1 – How It Begins**

It all begins  
Innocently

Where she's concerned,  
Can you expect anything else?

It all begins  
With a simple question

How was I supposed  
To answer?

It all begins  
With a foolish mistake

I've made enough of those  
To know that hindsight

Is a wonderful thing

**2.2 – Innocent Play**

We don't flirt  
We never flirted  
We just…

We don't play with each other  
We just…

I kiss her but I don't  
Feel anything on the other side  
It's never been like this before

But that was the point, wasn't it?

The only thing that's innocent about us  
Is her feelings

They're purely innocent  
Not a trace of lust in them

What are we?  
Nothing. Just…  
Innocent

**2.3 – Do You Think He Loves Me?**

"What do you think of him?"  
she asks, while we're lying in an afterglow

Him. With his stupid  
Life  
And stupid  
Hair

"Do you think he likes me?"  
she asks, while we're lying in bed  
Together in the afterglow

He, with his stupid  
Seduction  
And his useless  
Personality

That I can't match.

"Do you think I should ask him out?"  
she asks, while we're drifting apart  
In the afterglow

I shrug

"Whatever you think."

Because what I think doesn't matter

**2.4 – How It Begins II**

It begins with the question  
"Have you ever?"

It begins with the question  
"Why are we the last?"

It began with the question  
"Do you want to try it?"

**2.5 – Poetry One**

We're studying poetry  
Or so they tell me

As I drop into my seat I wonder  
"Why do we have to ask  
Some long dead guy  
What he was thinking

When he wrote…  
About drugs, and  
Flowers and  
War and  
Murders

There's a morbrid  
Fascination  
With poetry

I hate it

**2.6 – At The End of the Day**

At the end of the day  
I watch them in the  
Orange of sunset

They look happy  
They're flirting  
Playing innocently  
In the dying hours of the sun

**2.7 – Him**

He's everything  
That I'm not

He's cool

He's suave,  
Even

He's everything I'm not  
But not anything I want to be

But what can I offer her?  
What can I offer her that he can't?

He even gives to charity

What do I have that he doesn't?

A friendship?

Not anymore…

**2.8 – Tell Me About Him**

"Tell me about him,"  
I implore

She gives me a look  
You know, one of those ones that  
Kind of suggests  
You're a few short of a set

"Why?"

She asks it with puzzlement in her voice

"I want to know?"

Its meant to be a statement but

It comes out wrong

"He's nice,"  
she tells me.

Great.  
I have to compete with  
Nice.

**2.9 – How It Begins III**

It begins with a fatal mistake  
Because the instant I agreed to this  
Stupid enterprise

I was hers  
And she wasn't in on it

And so now I'm dead inside  
While she chases off  
Some other guy

Some Nice guy

I feel lost and alone  
And I don't know where I'm going next

It begins with her

**2.10 – Lost and Alone**

I sit with Tommy  
In the crowded hall

They come and sit with us  
But I'm not even aware that  
They're there  
Because she's not there

She's like a drug  
And without her I feel

Away

She's like what I've come to need  
And without her,

Alone

**2.11 – How It Could End**

It could end with me in a  
Lonely room  
Forgotten by the world  
Until someone asks  
"What's that?"

That, friend,  
Is what death smells like.

Or it could end with me  
Lying in bed with some pretty bird  
And having  
A real good time

Even though I'm actually alone

Maybe it'll end with me far away  
Far away  
Where she can't hurt me anymore

But it never does

Because she creeps –  
Quietly  
- into the house

And we do what…  
We do.

Love isn't there  
But maybe this'll be enough

Or maybe  
It could end with me  
In a lonely room  
Forgotten by the world  
Left by everyone  
Left by her

Until someone asks  
"What's that?"

And the coroner has to tell them.

---

I promise that this will all be explained, soon. The fact that Phil's about to be studying poetry has a reason behind it. I'm hoping to try something…very interesting in the third chapter, which will be the pivotal one. Hopefully. We'll see how it goes. Please review!


	3. Love Poems

**I Remember A Time When Once You Used To Love Me**

Acepilot

AN – I was going to include Phil's poems as images - handwritten and scanned it - but I ended up canning that element of the project, because my scanner was annoying the hell out of me. Sorry. If you're reading this on Luke's AGU Boards, then you'll notice that this chapter includes Louy7's very neat Phil artwork, which I would like to thank her for letting me use. You rock.

Oh, and just so we're clear - the poems in italics aren't part of the narrative, but are in fact written by Phil for his poetry class.

Thanks to all who have shown support for this project, and thanks even just to those who read the first two chapters. Every time my hit counter clocks over one, I feel a little surge of elation that someone visited my fic. It's always a nice thing.

More Dirty Three references – _Sister Let Them Try And Follow_ and _I Really Should Have Gone Out Last Night_ are both song titles.

Disclaimer – the characters in this fic are property of KlaskyCsupo.

**---**

**3. Love Poems**

**3.1 – A New Dawn**

It's a new morning  
And I know what's going to happen today

Today is a new day  
A day on which she crosses  
Her line

And asks him out

It's a new morning  
And I cling to the memories  
Of the night before  
Like some hopeless

Lost soul  
Obsessed with the past

**3.2 – At The Start of the Day**

At the start of the day  
I watch them in the  
Yellow sunrise

They look happy  
They're flirting  
Playing innocently  
In the beautiful hours of dawn

She touches his hand  
And he

Turns red

So now you know  
What it feels like

What you've been missing

What I had

What you can have  
But I'll never let go

**3.3 – Poetry Two**

Getting inside someone's head  
Isn't a fun experience

"It takes a special  
kind of person

To understand what they're thinking,"

Like he knows  
Its all so pompous

You never know what's going  
On unless you're  
There

And know  
Everything  
That there is to know

So why try?

"We're going to write our own,"

Like he wants  
Us to express ourselves

To show him what we think  
What we feel

Know what I feel?

Because I don't

_**Sister, Let Them Try And Follow**_

_We'll go down  
To the banks of the river_

_And there we'll sit  
In the dying sun until  
You say  
You'll leave me_

Until you say  
You don't want me  
That you want him instead

_And so then I'll  
Take you away with me  
To a place_

_In my head  
And my heart_

_Where they can never follow  
And they can never find us  
So let them try_

_Let him try_

"Too much symbolism,"

Like he knows  
Like I care

**3.4 – Your Head Is Your Worst Enemy**

"You look like hell,"  
Tommy tells me,

Sitting down with me and  
Offering concern

"I'm fine,"  
I assure him

After all, how can I be  
Sad  
About something that never happened  
That never was.

**3.5 – Happiness**

She knows what happiness is  
Now

Why couldn't I ever bring her  
Happiness

And if she was never  
Happy

Then why did she _waste_ so much of her  
Time with  
Me?

_**I Really Should Have Gone Out Last Night**_

_You were there when I opened my eyes  
And I knew that it was going to be the same  
The same as it always is  
Because we've been through this  
Too many times before  
So many times  
That I can recite it off by heart_  
"_That was nice,"  
You say  
And I say_  
"_Yeah, it was,"  
And you creep out of my house  
And leave me on my own  
And leave me without a trace  
Of the wonder that you always seem  
To take with you  
And abandon me to  
My life  
I should know better  
Than to let you in  
Than to let you hurt me  
I should have gone out last night  
And not let you ruin my life  
Any more than you already have_

Why didn't she go for it with  
Him  
When she first got the chance

Because you should always try things out  
With friends first

Even happiness

I found happiness  
But apparently  
Happiness  
Didn't find me

**3.6 – One Last Time**

"One last time,"  
You whisper in my ear  
Promising

Me, or yourself?

"Just once more,"  
You tell me  
And you

"We're going out,"  
You confide  
"We're having fun."

But still  
"One last time,"  
You whisper in my ear

Denying?

Or hoping?

**3.7 – All Too Easy**

It was  
All too easy  
I always got told

"If it seems too good to be  
True  
Then it probably is."

And this was.

I thought I could have  
You  
I thought you could love me  
But now  
All I know is  
That I can't let go of you

I can't move on  
Until you let me

**3.8 – Misery**

I curl up  
In some long forgotten  
Position  
Trying to defend myself  
From your stare

I wrap my arms  
Around my legs  
And try to hide  
From you  
And him

Because you who I love  
Keep looking at me

And no matter how much  
You tell me that it doesn't mean  
Anything  
I'm starting to have doubts

And doubts are the gate  
To misery  
And sorrow

And so I sit here,  
Hiding in plain view  
Hoping you won't cast an eye my way

And make me think again  
"Does she love me?"

---

So, what did you think? I was going to have one last Phil poem in there but I decided to ditch it at the last minute. Hope you enjoyed it. More coming soon.


	4. I Remember A Time When Once You

**I Remember A Time When Once You Used To Love Me**

Acepilot

AN – This is the end. Thank you to all who reviewed and read. You're awesome guys, I couldn't have done it without you.

References in this chapter - evidently, the title of the chapter and penultimate poem are by The Dirty Three, and _Never Tear Us Apart_ borrows it's name and some of it's inspiration from the INXS song of the same name.

Disclaimer – The characters in this fic are property of KlaskyCsupo. And Tommy is right – the stanza in Fragile about the bond and noose is by Powderfinger, from the song _Capoicity_. The very end of 4.7 is borrowed from Nick Cave, as well. Poets do this stealing thing all the time - you should read some. It's like they never have an original thought.

---

**4. I Remember A Time When Once You Used To Love Me**

**4.1 – Letting Go**

We're starting fresh today

A clean slate  
A new beginning

I'm not letting her plague me  
Haunt me  
Anymore

She's a thing of beauty  
But she's a thing of the past

Today,  
I'm letting her go

**4.2 – Tabula Rasa**

"You look  
upbeat,"  
Lil asks,  
Suspicious.

"You haven't been  
Getting any,  
Have you?"  
She asks with a  
Sly grin in her voice  
And amusement in her  
Eyes.

"No,"  
I state  
Definitively

Because it's the truth  
And she doesn't know how right it is

**4.3 – Plans get shot to Hell**

This plan  
This starting again  
A clean slate  
Worked fine  
Until I saw her

Everything was over  
Everything was fine  
Until I saw her  
Standing there  
And she saw me

Standing here

_**Never Tear Us Apart**_

_I was standing  
And you were there  
No matter how much I tried  
No matter how much I tried to say_  
"_It's over,"  
It isn't,  
Because you won't say it  
Whether you feel it  
Or not  
And that's just going to hurt me  
I could never leave you  
They could never tear us apart_

Her stare could cut me down in an instant  
And I don't think I would complain

Or even cry for help

**_Feels_**

_So this is what love feels like  
Adrenaline coursing through my veins  
At the sight of you  
**Last night, my kisses were banked  
In black hair**  
And now I can still taste it  
On my lips  
Your beautiful black hair  
And it's all I can think about  
That, and the fact  
That I haven't been sleeping well  
Because you won't leave me alone  
I thought they were dreams  
But they're not  
Are they nightmares?  
Is this what love is meant to feel like?  
Or is it just like this with you?_

I love her  
But I should know better

**4.4 – Comfort**

"What's wrong?"  
everyone asks,  
Desperate to know

"What's the matter?"  
everyone asks like  
the blind fools they are

they wouldn't know what to do if  
I ever told them  
What it was that had given me  
This sunken and miserable  
Look in my eyes

All they offer is comfort  
But there is no comfort  
None left  
Not for me  
Not with her gone

**4.5 – She – Beauty**

She holds his hand across the way  
But she looks at me with a  
Piercing gaze

I feel my neck heat  
And I feel my eyes water

His arm is around her shoulders  
But she watches me with  
Intent

I feel my heart beating  
Trying to escape me

She stands there with her  
Boyfriend  
An honorific I never possessed

We never talk any more

But she seems to stare at me  
All the time  
And it makes me feel…

Horrified

Lost

Alone

_Loved_

**4.6 – Poetry Three**

"Let's see if you can  
do better today, hmm?"  
Well  
The night hasn't done him any good

He still sounds like a pompous  
Windbag

_**Fragile**_

_Things never seem to last_

_Nothing today is built to last_

_Maybe we should all walk around with  
Stickers  
The kind they have on luggage  
Marked "fragile:  
Handle with care"_

_Wouldn't that be good?  
Maybe then we wouldn't hurt so much  
Maybe then people would know better than to  
Hurt us_

**_A fragile bond  
Is shaken loose  
A secret love,  
A shrinking noose_**

_But do others hurt us  
Or do we hurt ourselves._

"You stole that from Capoicity,"  
Tommy tells me, leaning over my shoulder

Her image springs to mind  
"They would have understood,"  
I tell him.

**4.7 – I Remember A Time When Once You Used To Love Me**

I sit here  
Alone  
Without you

I think about  
Everything  
But not

You never did let me go  
No matter how much I begged

I live in hope  
Always in hope  
That you'll come to me  
Or let me go  
Let me run away from you

Because I can't do it alone

Because I remember  
A time when once  
You used to love me  
Wreck and ruin of a human  
That I am

I always thought there was  
No love there  
But I think, maybe  
I was wrong

Because if you're with  
Him  
Then why are you looking  
At me?

I already admitted  
My defeat  
Your victory  
You live while  
I…

A time when once  
You used to love me

Is that time as gone  
As you think?  
Am I the only one  
Living it?

I remember a time  
When once you used

To Love Me

And you might  
Think I'm crazy  
But I'm still in love  
With You

**4.8 – Confession**

I don't even need to turn around  
To know that she's the one who just walked  
Into the room  
Back into my life

I don't have to say a word  
I know.  
She'll do all the talking

"I'm sorry,"  
she says  
I don't turn to face her  
"I thought it was…"

You thought it was what?

Her confession stumbles  
"I didn't want to risk  
Losing you,"  
She sends the words out into the air  
Like poison

"We're too close,"  
She breathes

"We're not close enough,"  
I whisper  
And I feel the wind catch my words  
And send them to her  
Like some kind of sickly perfume

"Have you slept  
with  
Him?"

She shakes her head  
I don't turn around to face her  
But I can feel it

"Do you love him?"

"Not yet."

I take a rush of air into my lungs  
And with it comes  
A glimmer

Of hope

"Do you love me?"

But those are the last words  
We say

But she's still refusing to let me go  
I remember a time when once she used to love me  
And I think  
That that time  
Never ended

She lies in my bed and I  
Lie there with her

And together  
We find out what love really is

---

I'm aware that this story never really made a great deal of sense, but then, I don't really think that's a prerequisite of poetry. At any rate, it's been an interesting experiment, and I'd like to thank those of you who read it, from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for letting me branch out and try something new.


End file.
